Back in the day I use to be a happy, good-looking, intelligent guy who prayed and went to church and loved Jesus.
But then life happened. Now here I am in my late twenties, washed up, eating Cookie Crisp for dinner every night.

But all that is about to change. I just need hope...some higher power to believe in and pray to. But who are you supposed to pray to? Who answers those prayers? And that is what this page aims to find out.




Welcome to the "Prayoffs". The most time consuming, tedious thing I've ever done in the 11 years of this retarded webpage. The point of doing this is rather simple: to see who answers the most prayers so I can pray to them. For 4 months straight I prayed every night. And every 2 weeks I would switch up who or what I prayed to, recorded the results, and came up with a final winner. Let's look at the contenders.


1) God/Jesus Christ


2) Alf


3) Mrs. Fields Chocolate Chip Cookies


4) Joseph Smith


5) A box of tampons


6) Gary Busey


7) Fred Savage (during "The Wonder Years")


8) A unicorn with a beard




ROUND 1
 
Post Prayer Analysis:

It is important to mention that I did not include unanswered prayers. The ones that were answered are the only ones included in the charts. To start, the box of tampons defeated Mrs. Fields Chocolate Chip Cookies and Alf beat Gary Busey. Neither one of these victories was much of a surprise and Busey was probably too drunk to answer most the time. Jesus/God beating Fred Savage was no surprise either, and though it was a small margin (55% to 45%) Fred Savage is simply no match for the power of the Lord. However, the most unexpected victory came from Joseph "deez nuts" Smith pulling off a victory over the bearded unicorn. This is particularly surprising because unicorns are often associated with magical powers and are a creature of wonder, yet here they are unable to handle Smith while facing a relatively large defeat (70% to 30%). 



ROUND 2

Post Prayer Analysis:
 
In an absolute shocking stunner the box of tampons crushed Jesus/God in this round to advance to face Alf, who pulled off a victory against Joseph "deez nuts" Smith. I also felt like the quality of prayers that were answered in this round were particularly special.



 

CHAMPIONSHIP ROUND



Post Prayer Analysis:
What a prayer! This one actually tied at the end of 2 weeks and I had to go into a sudden death alteration of prayers until one of them was answered. Alf wasted no time and on the third day he answered my prayer when I asked that my pathology professor shave his mustache. Congratulations Alf and thank you, you are my new God.



Possible flaws of experiment:

-Too little time:The allotted time period of 2 weeks may have not been enough time for prayers to be answered and/or heard. For instance, if one was to pray in 1987 to Alf these prayers may not have been heard because that is the peak time that Alf premiered on television. Likewise, praying to Jesus/God during the Haiti earthquake or Christmas would probably result in less prayers being answered due to the increased prayer during these periods.

-Semantics in who to pray to: It is possible that praying to "Jesus/God" caused an animosity between the two. For instance, at the end of a prayer one typically says "in the name of the father, son, AND holy ghost" as if they were separate entities. It is generally accepted in the catholic religion that Jesus=God, but that doesn't mean they are synonymous in all situations (ex: Jesus died on the cross vs God the Father died on the cross). This principle of "being the bosses son yet at the same time being the boss" is mind-boggling and is beyond the scope of this study. But perhaps another study is needed with one prayer to Jesus and a separate one for God.

-Past expiration date: It is also possible that the Mrs. Fields Chocolate Chip Cookies I prayed to were expired as I failed to check the box before beginning. This would make sense and explain the early elimination. I would also like to repeat another study like this but with Mrs. Fields Peanut Butter Cookies instead (as opposed to chocolate chip) in hopes of more prayers being answered.




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